Straight off the heels of their scandal of signing international amateur prospects against Major League Baseball rules, the Commissioner’s Office has set yet another ban to the Boston Red Sox disallowing the team from signing fat, crappy players for a full calendar year.
The Red Sox nearly violated the widely known rules against a team signing too many fat, crappy players when they signed third baseman Pablo Sandoval. “We realize what signing too many fat, crappy players can do to the competitive balance of the league,” said Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred. “If an organization has free rein to sign as many tubby lards as they want, then it gives all the other teams an unfair advantage to outrun, out endure, and just stay hydrated enough to finish a baseball game.”
Manfred added, “Luckily, Sandoval injured his shoulder so the other teams wouldn’t get too much of an edge.” Commissioner Manfred then impressively scarfed down an entire bowl of chili.
The penalty came as a surprise to the Red Sox organization. Some players praised the move, like current third baseman Travis Shaw.
“I’m just glad we have room on the bus to sit in our own seats because when some of our old fat, crappy players were on the team bus, there were only 25 seats on the bus, filling our 25-man-roster, and since our fattest, crappiest player took up two seats I had to stand,” Shaw said.
Others found the move hard to believe. With his hands on his forehand and tears rolling down his face, Mookie Betts praised the influence of the obese, untalented heroes of the game.
“David Wells. John Kruk,” Betts pontificated through tears. “I grew up watching fat, crappy players – the heavy, shit players, if you will. But I can’t imagine next year not going after CC Sabathia or Mat Albers or Jhonny Peralta. Those guys may weigh a ton and be horrible at baseball but they make the game what it is.”
Betts then placed on his head a red cap that read in white letters, “Make Baseball Fat and Crappy Again!”
The Red Sox had already made some preliminary moves in preparation for the 2016-2017 offseason. As a result of MLB sanctions, the Red Sox rescinded contract offers to Ryan Howard who had plans to platoon with Hanley Ramirez at first base/DH, and AJ Pierzysnki who was supposed to catch and lefty platoon at designated hitter. The Red Sox were also forced to cancel plans that involved a potential buyout of Prince Fielder’s contract to platoon as a backup lefty designated hitter. Also the talks around a 16-year, $445 million dollar contract extension with Pablo Sandoval were put on hold until after the ban s lifted.
Suspicious of any next move, MLB has threatened the Red Sox with sanctions against them for signing any more useless fifth outfielders, $30 million dollar pitchers who carry a 4.70+ ERA, and also have changed all of the rules to make sure Hanley Ramirez never steps foot in the outfield again.
When asked for comment, Red Sox Mascot Wally the Green Monster simply danced around and then for some reason pointed to a noose and then pointed to his neck.
On the diamond, the Red Sox played like overweight dipshits and lost to the Rangers, 7-2.
-Jason WhatsMyNameAgain?
