In a wild turn of events Thursday night, Wilson Ramos was found in a $1,000,000 
mansion just down the road from a Venzuelan air force base with 8 foot walls and no external phone lines or internet access. His hostage taker, Jerry Sandusky, may be remembered most by those in Happy Valley as the friendly old man who liked to shower with little boys. Ramos was rescued by Joe Paterno who has a strange sixth sense of knowing where Sandusky is hiding out. This fact led to numerous internet conspiracies about JoePa’s recruitment to the CIA as opposed to his ouster out at Penn St. This may seem strange at first but, the details of the SEAL Team 6 report reveal some crazier underground connections for many of the most recent sports scandals.
Apparently, on the walls of the compound were pictures of a man supposedly intended to be provocative. However, as SEAL team member #4 Brett Farve put it: “The pictures should be entitled ‘The Big Disappointment’.”
The story gets stranger as it is revealed that golf legend Tiger Woods has a house just up the street which reportedly serves as his ‘mental getaway’. Tiger could not be reached for comment but his agent mentioned off the record that Tiger used the mental getaway Monday-Wednesday every week since his engagement to ex wife Elin Nordegren. Neighbors said they never saw Woods with the same girl twice, except “that fat brunette.”
Wilson Ramos was made available to the media after his hospital visit and Off The Bench was able to get an exclusive interview. Expect the interview available in its entirety right after our 100th Twitter follower. Anyway, we have decided to share this anecdote from 
Ramos’s interview translated from Ramos’s native language (we’re not sure what it was, we just used google translate). “We went to the Capital City Night Club. Big Ben, that’s what Jerry liked me to call him, arrived soon, his man part already exposed. Over my objections, Sandusky tried to have sex with me in the bathroom.”
Sandusky could only be heard screaming before he was placed in the police car, “I did not have sexual relations with that man.”
Paterno has been applauded for not covering for Sandusky this time but, JoePa seems to think its only human nature. “I’ll cover for a man eight times, but when he messes up a ninth time, I’m gonna do everything I can to have justice be served.” The 84 year old also mentioned that he liked Ramos’s butt.
The whole scene is hard to comprehend and ESPN officials seem to be having a hard time. They failed to mention the Wilson Ramos story on last night’s SportsCenter. When asked why, ESPN leaders could only muster the response that “We thought people wanted to hear more about how Tim Tebow will be a bad NFL quarterback and needs to go die in a cave.” We can be sure the story is true though as Presidential candidate Rick Perry forgot the 3rd part of the story.
Stat of the Day: Midnight’s hour long SportsCenter actually had no mention of the Wilson Ramos.
-Sean Morash
