A Secret MLB Meeting at the Winter Meetings
Giants: We are a smart team run by smart people.
MLB: Okay.
Giants: We’re going to use the Opener now, because we’re so smart. That’s what smart teams do right?
Orioles: We have hired a manager!
MLB: You know the rest of us did that like a month and a half ago?
Orioles: We are excited to move forward with a fantastic leadership team once the offseason begins.
MLB: You’re literally at the Winter Meetings right now. This is the offseason.
Orioles: When do the playoffs end?
Yankees: We don’t want Machado.
Mariners: We will trade literally any player for any other player with any team.
Marlins, Mets, and Yankees:
Giants: I swear we’re smart now.
Phillies: We have Andrew McCutchen! We signed a good player because that’s what good teams with money are supposed to do.
MLB: We want to sign good players too!
Phillies: Go right ahead!
MLB: …Did you mean right now? Like RIGHT now?
Yankees: We might want Machado now.
Mariners: WHY WON’T ANYONE TRADE WITH US!!! WE NEED TO TRADE!!!
Dodgers: Can anyone take Puig?
Indians: Can anyone take Kluber?
MLB: You’re both good teams who will probably win your divisions in 2019. Why do you want to get rid of Puig and Kluber?
Dodgers and Indians: To get better at baseball, obviously!
MLB: Trading away good players makes you better at baseball?
Dodgers and Indians: It’s a thing. Trust us. You wouldn’t understand.
White Sox and Reds: We’re going to sign Bryce Harper, A.J. Pollock, and Dallas Keuchel.
MLB: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Seriously. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
White Sox and Reds: We mean it! We’re really going to sign big-name free agents, just like real baseball teams!
MLB: No. No you won’t.
White Sox and Reds: Well, maybe. It would be cool if we did though, wouldn’t it?
Mariners: WE’RE GOING TO BURN THIS WHOLE F#(&@$)(&$(! PLACE TO THE GROUND IF WE DON’T MAKE A TRADE SOON
Yankees: We probably want Machado.
Royals: We signed Billy Hamilton! We’re going to steal ALL of the bases! No one else can score if we’ve stolen all of the bases!
MLB: It doesn’t actually work like that.
Royals: That’s not what our elite baseball braintrust (Ned Yost and Mike Matheny) told us.
Padres: We’re going to suck again in 2019, but after that, watch out NL West!
Yankees: We’re meeting with Machado.
Rangers: Does anyone know why we’re bad now? Maybe we should sign Lance Lynn. That will fix things.
Lance Lynn: LOL, OK.
Twins: That didn’t work last year.
MLB: OK, Mark. Calm down.
Rays: We are not going to get in trouble for not spending money this year for we have signed Charlie Morton.
Astros: We would like Bryce Harper.
Mariners: Oh thank god we did it. We made a trade with the Indians. We feel so much better now. Whew.
Carlos Santana: Where do I live now? Didn’t I just leave there?
Indians: Everyone else is welcome. We traded a player for basically the same player just to shut the Mariners up.
Rays: We got this guy!
MLB: (tugs collar)
Giants: Taking other team’s minor leaguers and then being forced to keep them on your roster all year is a good way to get better, right?
Astros: Stop taking our stuff!
Giants: Hi Drew!
Orioles: Did we take Ricky Martin or Richie Martin? We wanted the singer.
A’s: Honestly, they hit about the same.
Mariners: Anyone want to trade?
